There is something that evokes a strong memory of past years sculpting late at night. Almost ten years ago, I was at a good personal place on my own. It was during that summer I scraped all the money I could gather to pay for an acoustic guitar I named Elijah Wood. This was after living off of a few snickers bars/nutter butters and a single 16 oz bottle of code red mountain dew or nestea for a week at a time. I was a horrible chain smoker at the time. I haven't smoked since 2005 nor will I. It's the light of the room, the smell of the wet clay mixed in with the dry clumps and dust everywhere. The memories become more clear after hearing a song that was related to a book that stuck in my memory at the time. It was one of the few songs I began to learn when I spent that summer learning how to play the guitar. I remember sitting in the driveway under the stars practicing.

Here's a little weird quirk. I don't listen to my favorite songs often. If I hear it more than twice a week, I will turn it off. My thought is that I don't ever want to wear it out so it would still feel special. I figured that if I ever happened to come across it again then I could stop wherever I was for a few minutes and just enjoy listening. It had been years since I heard Norwegian Wood. It had also been a long time since I had been practically on my own like this.

I clearly remember these hours. For different reasons than now, I never had time to myself to work during the day. Back then I took solace in getting away from everything and hid away in the garage or backyard to escape everyone. Now, the girls give me a few hours to sculpt when I need to and I still spend most of my day with them. I reflect of how nice things are late at night and peek into the bedroom every now and again at my girls. I listen to my dogs snore away next to me in the living room. But what is it about this hour that always feels so familiar?

There's a feeling of looking forward to the future. Things I have never encountered before. There's a whole space of growth I have yet to experience. Back then, there were years that followed that tested my character, my moral standings, my absolute patience. Now I am sitting here again in the early hours of the morning listening to mellow songs reflecting life and mostly love. I am all misty eyed and emotional without even drinking a bit of alcohol. Somewhere I lost my faith in the romance of life and experiences as a whole. I lost my perspective on dreams that I thought I would always hold on to. It's crazy that I was 21 and still daydreaming like I was 12. I am nearly 31 and I am reaching that little seat on top of that star. I am finding a comfortable position to sit, singing little songs to myself. Just generally happy to be, to experience, and to look forward to whatever is ahead.

It's hard to say what the song and the book means to me. It was strange to revisit it as if it were someone I was romantically entangled with. It was something I somehow left behind when things started getting rough and moved me around so quickly that I had to leave it all behind. I suppose when the dust settles and I finally get time to look back and it slips back into my memory. I see it had been something so rare and special that I can't imagine why I would have forgotten in the first place. Of course something life altering happened to draw me away from that time. But it's here again. This odd little time, how many more chances in a lifetime do you get to experience it? Even if it is a couple thousand more moments, they become less and less. It makes you wonder why the older people get, the more reserved and hesitant they are to fully immerse themselves in that moment. This moment is that moment where you've come to terms with your past, you are happy with your present, and anything at all possible could happen at this point in the future. These are the little passages in stories that most writers forget to really grasp on but amazing writers do. These little boring insignificant parts of stories that other people would skip over to get to the action. These moments can really define these turning points in our lives. They are worth taking a good look at and really enjoying. Between the starts and stops, these points in life make up the million and one special "trivial" moments of your life that combined make your life unique.

So I just discovered there's a movie out based on the book. It looks beautiful actually. Maybe I will break my rule and listen to that song a few more times than I normally would. Why not?

Sincerely,
Gen

A few years back I was attempting to get back into sculpture so I asked some friends for a few projects to do for fun. I ended up moving several times in the next few years and during the moves I made a few tries at finishing the sculpture. During one version of it, I had this weird revelation about my friend's birthday and the year corresponding to a return to saturn. The concept was pretty cool but it wasn't until over a year later that I would finally be at my own saturn's return that I would fully see the complete sculpture. I have salvaged pieces of the sculpure so that it will still keep the personal dedication from her birthday and I've incorporated it to where you can only see it when you look inside of the planets that on the top half are hands aiding the following hand up and out of the planet. The bottom half will be abstractly carved to resemble hands.

Here is a little bit on the concept of the Saturn Return.

I am very excited to share this process although I plan on doing a more organized documentation of the next sculpture with lessons and visual tutorials. I hope you like it and thanks for looking!

Sincerely,
Gen

Where I am at now, it's going to be a while before I get anywhere. But I think I am just going to enjoy the journey and where it takes me. I am open to this new path and this new life with experiences I have never encountered before.

"Well we know where we're goin'
But we don't know where we've been
Fnd we know what we're knowin'
But we can't say what we've seen
And we're not little children
And we know what we want
And the future is certain
Give us time to work it out"
Road To Nowhere - Talking Heads

Sometimes you get a surprise when you are being the hardest on yourself. Times get tough, you keep moving on with no mentors or guidence in a pretty rare and unusual situation. We all have a point where we face whatever immensely challenging obstacle in the way of crossing the bridge. So you keep going on only what your mind, heart, and gut tell you. Sometimes your gut can be full of **it but least the heart and mind pull it back on track. Then out of no where, when you are tired and weary, you get a surprise.

For the backstory for those new, it is hard to retell it so I am leaving it in this older entry. We moved on and recovered, but it took some time out of where my life had been going. It slowed things down and severed a lot of ties. I am not sure if I can explain all of it or where it would make sense. No harm in trying though, right? It's weird I left things off where I did since I last really opened up about these things. Wasn't sure when I would pick up on it and start chatting candidly again. Or if I'd ever want to. But here I am. I am rambling again, aren't I?

I had been working so hard, slowing down on my artwork and shutting down on the internet unless it was work related. I really P.O. a good bit of people doing so without real explaination or even so much as an apology. And that sucks. I wasn't really thinking. My kids needed me. I didn't want to be the psychologist that was great at helping others with their problems but couldn't understand my children. Insert personal focus vs. childrens needs. They were there with me through the ups and downs and I instinctively just zoned in on them. I took maybe a little time out for myself here and there but everything else was a lot of work. It was so much work cleaning up the messes that all these crazy adults made...I just kept working at it like I would work at my sculptures. I would take full responsibility of all of this for them even if no one else would. Even if it was hard, I kept going. And it was hard. I had to be firm with what I said and consistent with what I did. I had to make sure that things were in order, no confusing or conflicting events/issues. Things had to really get focused and centered for my children after what they had to witness. Right when I got really tired and so completely exhausted, my daughters put stickers all over my arms. I see the light in my eldest's eyes as she leans in and says, "You are the greatest mom ever."

I really wanted to crawl into a little ball, break down, and cry at that moment. I think I am being too hard on myself. All I wanted was for them to grow up well adjusted, loving. All I saw was that her heart had been broken for the first time in her life. We talked about it, we spent all that time that I had not been blogging or doing more scupltures or drawings just working it all out. Instead of being angry about what happened, I told her that long before she even has a romantic relationship, she had her first real heartbreak. Loving people completely even with all their flaws. And realizing that things can't be anymore. That it's over with people she really cared for. Even though that she finally could describe what was bothering her and she felt like all that emotional weight was lifted, I felt the weight fall down on me for that second. We talked a little more and it's hard getting a five year old to understand things she is too young to understand but she insists on prying a little more into the heart and human condition. Her curiosity wasn't satisfied until we fully explored all those feelings. Why do people hurt each other when there were times that were fun, sweet, and seemingly special? The why wasn't as important as the responsibility we have to each other to keep our relationships healthy, to keep those bonds strong, and to mend any broken ties (or hearts). She is worth the time and effort for that, I am also worth that time and effort. We will reciprocate. And I think that's what that whole month of October was for. We spent that whole time completely focusing on who we need to be. And how we need to be treated and treat others. That was not the time for looking back because that time was over. Who was going to catch up, meet for the first time, or continue on this road with us would do so. And we would be there to meet them with the right mindset and open arms. I don't need to explain this, this was a needed thing for all of us. Mistakes made, lessons learned, this was the right decision for me and my girls.

At this point, I can say I am nearly recovered from the absolute physical and emotional exhaustion of September. Lot of good came from it though. It's amazing that I can say with as much bad that happened in a few hours of September, a whole ton of good experiences and memories came from it too. There were days, weeks of really great things that happened. Would be nice to continue or experience more at this point as I think we are finally ready. We are ready to take it all on. And I have the reward stickers to keep me motivated too!

Sincerely,
Gen