Invisibility. There's a sort of freedom not answering to anyone. Floating around. You can do anything you want, be anything you want without question or that itchy reasoning telling you to stop and wonder what the neighbors will think.
The reality is that when you spend your life being ignored, you transform into this free spirit of sorts. You are constantly liberated without knowing what judgment is or what it’s like to be among the status quo. The downfall is loneliness.
As it is February, it's becomes harder to ignore everyone in their relationships. I see the fights, make-ups, break-ups, beginnings, and endings, your challenges, losses, and triumphs. It’s one thing to always be on interesting adventures just apparating from one journey’s road to the next, but it’s another thing to look on like a ghost watching people together.
I feel like I am transparently just passing through people’s lives. I feel like people can feel me around and I am hard to ignore but I feel like I am just barely out of reach of feeling close to anyone at all. The wide range of feelings people experience together, the messy beauty of it all that they seem to take for granted, and all the things that make you feel human each day you are alive.
You know what hurts the most, the lies supposedly meant to spare you. Because the truth could hurt. So you spend all that time wondering. So you wander like a ghost until you find the inner strength to move on and be at rest. But you still spend all that time wandering without an answer, without words to help guide you in the right direction. Most of my life people thought my eccentric sensitivity needed to be shielded from the truth. So many people just ignored me, kept me at an arm’s length, and all it did was make me feel like I never existed at all. As if nothing ever happened. So I keep floating on, constantly feeling like I am possessing others humanity instead of experiencing my own.
It’s been an interesting journey going back to my old hometown as a resident for a while. But strange never feeling right like I am made completely of cellophane. The 390 miles difference from the town I moved from still feels like 390 miles difference living in the same city. Who knows if this feeling is because of the city itself or what I’ve experienced in the “welcome back”. But I am just going to keep floating around until something tethers me to the ground.
Sincerely,
Gen
"I got out of bed today,
Swear to God I couldnt see my face.
I got out of bed today, staring at a ghost.
Who forgot to float away,
Didnt have all that much to say.
Wouldn't even tell me his own name
And where'd my body go?"
-Weighty Ghost by Wintersleep
The reality is that when you spend your life being ignored, you transform into this free spirit of sorts. You are constantly liberated without knowing what judgment is or what it’s like to be among the status quo. The downfall is loneliness.
As it is February, it's becomes harder to ignore everyone in their relationships. I see the fights, make-ups, break-ups, beginnings, and endings, your challenges, losses, and triumphs. It’s one thing to always be on interesting adventures just apparating from one journey’s road to the next, but it’s another thing to look on like a ghost watching people together.
I feel like I am transparently just passing through people’s lives. I feel like people can feel me around and I am hard to ignore but I feel like I am just barely out of reach of feeling close to anyone at all. The wide range of feelings people experience together, the messy beauty of it all that they seem to take for granted, and all the things that make you feel human each day you are alive.
You know what hurts the most, the lies supposedly meant to spare you. Because the truth could hurt. So you spend all that time wondering. So you wander like a ghost until you find the inner strength to move on and be at rest. But you still spend all that time wandering without an answer, without words to help guide you in the right direction. Most of my life people thought my eccentric sensitivity needed to be shielded from the truth. So many people just ignored me, kept me at an arm’s length, and all it did was make me feel like I never existed at all. As if nothing ever happened. So I keep floating on, constantly feeling like I am possessing others humanity instead of experiencing my own.
It’s been an interesting journey going back to my old hometown as a resident for a while. But strange never feeling right like I am made completely of cellophane. The 390 miles difference from the town I moved from still feels like 390 miles difference living in the same city. Who knows if this feeling is because of the city itself or what I’ve experienced in the “welcome back”. But I am just going to keep floating around until something tethers me to the ground.
Sincerely,
Gen
"I got out of bed today,
Swear to God I couldnt see my face.
I got out of bed today, staring at a ghost.
Who forgot to float away,
Didnt have all that much to say.
Wouldn't even tell me his own name
And where'd my body go?"
-Weighty Ghost by Wintersleep
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