Solitude often doesn't have silence. Sometimes the neglected and much needed monologues clang like a thousand cymbals multiplied against the high acoustic walls of the inner self. To shorten the fanciful description, your mind will catch up with your running and make you listen.
These thoughts harden like a tumor. The buildup of each thought and word press against one another until it creates a solid mass that is hard to ignore. Is it benign or is it malignant?
In the mess of my thoughts and feelings with current events, I feel like it needs sorting out. I feel like as time wears on and nothing becomes resolved, I am fighting the need to keep running. I am sitting still, as still as possible. I am keeping my ears open and listening. I am keeping myself reasonable and open but it’s becoming harder and harder each day I go along. All I hear is the silence around me but the noise of those long ignored self-narratives.
I have to remember things I’ve forgotten. I have to remember what was said to me that I mentioned in my first blog. Everything is hard, I complain, but the difference is that I don’t quit. I know it’s difficult, but I keep going. I know that people know pieces of things and that most of the time I bear the weight on my own quietly in fear of unloading the burden on anyone else. Then it spills out in odd places at odd times.
This is normal. I’ve had many productive months of gaining so much speed, liberation, and self-accomplishment with the room to breathe and be myself. The timing of when I would encounter the complete opposite was impeccable. Once I get close to finally taking the wheels off my gypsy trailer and finding a solid foundation to build on, I start to experience real heartbreaking loss of things that held promise. They are lost and behind me. The bodies are beginning to make a pile and I need to put them at rest. Mourn the losses and find the best way to move on.
I am finding myself breaking my cool. Parts of my irrationality want to scratch out of the little cage I put her in. Everyone has moments of complete embarrassing imperfection. Moments appear where I am just a complete hot mess. That, reasonably, is part of what makes us all human. With everything that is going on, sure it’s allowed sometimes. But right now I have some really huge decisions to make.
Right now there are people really depending on me to make the right decisions in many areas of my life. It’s all on me to sign, verify, contractually agree on long term everything in many areas and it’s a lot. I have asked to find a place to settle. I am reaching the stop of my many travels to rest and make a home for who knows how long?
The monologue bouncing off the walls are singing rounds in threes. Over and over, one after the other, the lyrics are telling me something I need to hear but haven’t taken the time to listen. Friends have said it as well and directed everything, everything, towards my heart. And trust me, I may be slow and stubborn to come to terms but I have heard you and am so grateful! Above all else, it’s the heart that needs its voice to ring the clearest. It’s time to let it slow down and listen, no matter how much things become painfully obvious, no matter how disappointing this all had been, it’s all there. All I need to know is right there in my heart. It’s never led me wrong before when I truly, honestly listen.
Sincerely,
Gen
These thoughts harden like a tumor. The buildup of each thought and word press against one another until it creates a solid mass that is hard to ignore. Is it benign or is it malignant?
In the mess of my thoughts and feelings with current events, I feel like it needs sorting out. I feel like as time wears on and nothing becomes resolved, I am fighting the need to keep running. I am sitting still, as still as possible. I am keeping my ears open and listening. I am keeping myself reasonable and open but it’s becoming harder and harder each day I go along. All I hear is the silence around me but the noise of those long ignored self-narratives.
I have to remember things I’ve forgotten. I have to remember what was said to me that I mentioned in my first blog. Everything is hard, I complain, but the difference is that I don’t quit. I know it’s difficult, but I keep going. I know that people know pieces of things and that most of the time I bear the weight on my own quietly in fear of unloading the burden on anyone else. Then it spills out in odd places at odd times.
This is normal. I’ve had many productive months of gaining so much speed, liberation, and self-accomplishment with the room to breathe and be myself. The timing of when I would encounter the complete opposite was impeccable. Once I get close to finally taking the wheels off my gypsy trailer and finding a solid foundation to build on, I start to experience real heartbreaking loss of things that held promise. They are lost and behind me. The bodies are beginning to make a pile and I need to put them at rest. Mourn the losses and find the best way to move on.
I am finding myself breaking my cool. Parts of my irrationality want to scratch out of the little cage I put her in. Everyone has moments of complete embarrassing imperfection. Moments appear where I am just a complete hot mess. That, reasonably, is part of what makes us all human. With everything that is going on, sure it’s allowed sometimes. But right now I have some really huge decisions to make.
Right now there are people really depending on me to make the right decisions in many areas of my life. It’s all on me to sign, verify, contractually agree on long term everything in many areas and it’s a lot. I have asked to find a place to settle. I am reaching the stop of my many travels to rest and make a home for who knows how long?
The monologue bouncing off the walls are singing rounds in threes. Over and over, one after the other, the lyrics are telling me something I need to hear but haven’t taken the time to listen. Friends have said it as well and directed everything, everything, towards my heart. And trust me, I may be slow and stubborn to come to terms but I have heard you and am so grateful! Above all else, it’s the heart that needs its voice to ring the clearest. It’s time to let it slow down and listen, no matter how much things become painfully obvious, no matter how disappointing this all had been, it’s all there. All I need to know is right there in my heart. It’s never led me wrong before when I truly, honestly listen.
Sincerely,
Gen
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