_ Over the next few weeks, I am going to be sharing the process of the initial sketches and the completed paintings. This is the first in the series. It is interesting to see the progress of what a few months of experience and good influences can do for a person. The first picture was from the original digital sketch in October and the second is the recent completed painting.

One thing about blogging is the fine line between respecting personal privacy and being able to candidly express thought and emotion. Yet when a particularly emotionally charged piece of artwork gets shown to a public audience of sorts, the vulnerability becomes more exposed. In the end, this outcome has been very positive all around and it's been a really great experience completing this work.

There are things that need to be unsaid so my life still feels like mine, my personal moments still feel personal, and are needed so that I can grow and process this new path in my life. The things I feel comfortable sharing is the difference in the process from the first work to now. If I look at both in reflection, it feels like the experience and changes as well as all the new artistic influences in my life have changed the way I look at everything.

There are things that are undeniably visually obvious in my painting habits and style of doing things. As it goes along, the "voice" of what I am trying to express becomes more clear so this has been a really great experience. I feel like the painting can pretty much speak for itself of how I was feeling at the time a few months ago. The second attempt at painting the work was different because things had already moved on and it was a strange distant place to visit at this time in my life.

One thing everyone does need to know is that I did not want to move forward with this work without making sure it wasn't taken in a derogatory manner or offensive. Something that really bothers me is if I am doing something openly offensive to someone else in such a public manner. I changed a few things that were going to be included that would be more controversial. I knew there was a way to effectively be able to execute the same kind of intensity without being as extremely vulgar. The good thing is while I got the green light to go ahead with the sketch; the new painting got a really great response. This has been actually a very healing process of getting things to continue moving forward. Even though this is one of the later sketches, I felt like it had to be the first (and most psychologically challenging) one to complete. If I could finish this then I could easily go through the more fun and vibrant paintings I am planning to do. It was quite freeing and liberating to finish this.

I am still learning perspective, composition, lighting, shadows, and how to translate three dimension human anatomy into two dimension. Watching the video, I can see how the same way I start sculpting is the same way I start blocking the painting. I start from one end to the next, scaling as I go along, and building from a messy blob into the more defined features. I have seen and tried other painting techniques but when I am free form painting fast, I noticed this weird quirk with how I paint. I can't say it is right or wrong but it is what I have been noticing when I paint since I was a sculptor first then I started really learning how to paint.

I still don't know if this art thing will be what I am going to do with my life. I have some real reservations about some parts of it that I didn't like before when I first started out with art. But I think those reservations are part of one of many options on how to go about doing art as a career. There's many ways to go about this kind of a career and be true to yourself. I think there are a lot of people in any kind of industry that are elitists, cliquey, and take advantage of people any chance they get. It's hard to find anyone real in any circumstance. But once the fake people get filtered, the real people do so much more than make up for it. They completely enrich your life. The many people I have come across and had the fortune of learning from have been so invaluable. I cannot express how fortunate I feel being able to finally incorporate artwork as a integral part of my life. I am sure I would have stubbornly done this anyway but the good people in my life have made this entire transitional period so extremely pleasant and fulfilling.

Happy Chinese New Year! "Gung Hey Fat Choy" which means "Wishing You Prosperity and Wealth"

It feels like I could very nearly break the repeat button while listening to the song For Good from Wicked. There's this tendency to be cynical, disillusioned, and sarcastic. Yet after dealing with so much hardship for most my life I can't help but just let the sappiness happen. I cannot tell you just how absolutely moved I was and close to weeping like a small child when I went to see the musical with a dear old friend. It wasn't just the wine talking when I leaned over and said, "Oh man, I need a hug after that." It was silly and there was so much laughter shared but also that quiet amazement of things being so awesome.

That night was one new memory after another that etched in my heart just how important good people are in your life. Even the friends that weren't with us that were friends back then, they were in our hearts and minds as we reminisced of such great times together. We talked of all the new people in our lives now and how amazing they are. There is just so much bad in the world bringing others down so why not share these amazing things and hope this good spreads to others? I truly hope it does and genuinely get so ecstatic hearing wonderful news from others. I had experienced so much loss and tragedy that it just is such a welcome change to feel happiness, achievement, and the warmth from wonderful people.

The past few years I had a little bit of trouble making each Chinese New Year happen smoothly. I couldn't quite get the hang of the evening before clearing the house and my life of the past. This year is so far the smoothest transition yet into the new year. For a while I have been preparing for a new life and had spent the difficult time letting go of all the things I need to let go of. Make peace with the past and make room for the future.

Recently there had been so many firsts that in my 30 years of living, I am surprised to experience. These things I could not have experienced without the support and encouragement of the genuine lovely people that were there for me during one of the roughest times in my life. The result of it was the first time I really experienced being involved in an art exhibit which also resulted in teaching opportunities. For the next few months, I went solo to see what I was made of and just be on my own. I needed the space to grow and learn. I needed to make some big changes that were well overdue.

First of all, I need to be completely honest. There were a lot of really terrible times and seemingly endless growing pains. There were a lot of things I needed to face and handle. There was so much I had to carry out while raising my kids that were such a fine balance of what they could and couldn't handle witnessing. Something unfortunate happened that was thrown in all of our faces but I think I did an ok job of handling it after and setting a non-hypocritical and good example. This is the thing though, some people just deal with the demons they are comfortable with but I fully and whole heartedly believe that it's worth going outside of your comfort zone to make the changes you need to. It was exhausting, the road felt so long, and many times I wanted to give up. But you do make it through. The speech in Rocky Balboa where Rocky tells his son, I have had the same conversation with my daughter (and quietly with myself) a few times.

"When things got hard, you started looking for something to blame. Like a Big Shadow.

Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life.

But it ain’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward.

That’s how winning is done.

Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you.

You’re better than that!"

On this new year, this new day, I hope to continue down this path I have been going. No matter how completely new and terrifying it had been (much like when you were a kid and you transition from one school to the next not knowing what is ahead) it has been worth it. It just feels so necessary to continue to remember where I came from, learn from my experiences and mistakes, and to give credit where credit is due to the people who have helped propel me with where I am going in my life now. I don't forget the "little guys" because you are absolutely huge of an influence on me. More so than all the rough things in my life, you've shined brighter than the darkest of my days. And as many times as I keep saying this, I never feel like I express my gratitude enough.

"I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good"

Thank you and all the best in this new year!

Sincerely,
Gen

__ "...But is that really in her head
But I just want to live each day to love her
for what she is"
Superwoman - Stevie Wonder

What started out as a quick drawing exercise, launched a series of different conversations on strong female leads. After a few characters, I got stuck after realizing that some of the strong characters I love like Storm and Supergirl are part of an ensemble.

First off, where is it that I could delve into these kinds of discussions without the negative flannel wearing angry "feminist" stereotype hovering over the conversation? Growing up in the south and talking to different kinds of people, I ended up hearing a certain comment over and over again. "You need a man to take care of you." Well, this is a touchy subject. And you know me; I'll prod at a touchy subject until it makes some damn sense. All I found out is that the whole subject of a significant has nothing to do with what I need to do in my life. A real honest love between people helps things make sense, it shines a light in the dark, but who I am as an individual has absolutely nothing to do with me needing another person. You want to talk about my heart, my feelings, and love then that's a whole different topic. I don't need a man, but when I am in love already then I sure as hell need, want, and feel  that person in my life. But me as a woman and an individual really doesn't have anything to do with a man.

I was watching IFC with a Margret Cho interview the other day. My girls were instantly drawn into listening to some of her childhood stories as they had a familiar air to it. I noticed something significant in the absense of that fear I had when my children were first born versus how comfortable I am having a frank conversation with them in recent times. I was so afraid of the influence with mass media images and their personal identity. In my childhood, there was no celebrity like Margret Cho speaking frankly about her struggles with culture and identity. I remember I had a period where I wanted fuller lips and a smaller nose. I wanted to be 5'9" with a curvy figure. I am fine in my own skin and have been for most of my life but there was that one time realizing there weren't any role models that looked like me.

I grew up being a terribly shy child that only went wild with tomboy adventures only with my closest of friends. So public opinions and what was popular at the time was lost on me. Then I saw a movie in 1995 with Christopher Lambert and Joan Chen called The Hunted. The image of Joan staring directly into the eyes of the man that would murder her without fear was permanently etched into my mind. Also at the time was the second wave of feminism which was almost very near a backlash of any forward movement for women as individuals. Coming into your own as a teenager at that time was a very character building era. Sometimes it's the best kind of situation. If your mind is in the right place, you will look within you to see what you are made of instead of what popular opinion is at the time. Walls always have that top ledge to get over. The higher the wall, the more you realize how much you want it. The thicker the glass ceiling, the more finesse you need to break the damn thing open.

I see my girls grow into wildly independent free spirits. Each of them has their own distinct personalities. Every day I realize more and more how my children look at me and see their future selves. Once I realized this, I also understood that the strongest branch can break but the flexible reed bends. If I don't teach my children the gift of accepting vulnerability and the sheer fact that mommy can't make everything (better) then I am doing them a great disservice. I cannot be wonder woman in their eyes. I have seen how they fall apart when they see I don't always have it together. I needed them to know that the world isn't over when that happens. I had been technically on my own for so long that the only thing holding me back was being able to accept help, being able to show that I wasn't so damn strong by myself all the time. I had been on my own for so long because I had surrounded myself with the wrong types of people that would cause me to be guarded. How eye opening it was to change those kinds of associations and let in genuine and loving people.

The past few months have been exceptionally drastic with changes and so much growth that if I were to have a conversation with my former self at this time last January, it would be astounding to see just how many changes have taken place. Most of it would be me probably smacking myself on the ass like a fellow football teammate and saying, “Well, hot damn! You actually did follow through with that thing I said I wanted to do!”

Currently, I am writing and illustrating my children their own little story. I had grown so accustomed to sort of creating things when they weren’t available. If I figured the baby needed tiny arm warmers, I would spend the next few months learning to knit and making her some. If they needed a story to learn and look towards for guidance, I’d make them one. We’d discuss it. I’d let them create their own if mine was total crap. My eldest often looks at whatever I am working on and asks me questions. This draws it back to the initial conversation about female leads. I have to tell you one thing about my daughter, she has this attention to details that there is no way you can get it past her. She’s already analyzed it twice over before I can even blink. At the same time, I am going over another idea for an illustrated story with another female character. It had become apparent that whatever it was that I was doing always had a strong female lead.

Practically all of my work has a strong female lead, message, and challenge overcome. I hadn’t noticed it until my daughter was sort of unimpressed with the montage of comic book female leads that I was drawing. She wanted me to go back to the illustrations I was working on. She wanted to hear these relatable tales of adventure, challenges, and humor with a heart and soul. Since she was born, storytelling by word of mouth was the only way to get the little daredevil to stop leaping off of the couch and testing the limits of gravity and physics by pure experimentation. The stories I was beginning to introduce her to that were written before she was born had her glazing her eyes over. It was almost as if her life was all about writing her own story after watching me create things in a similar light whenever I was going through something or had trouble expressing things.

I am currently looking at the sketch of female leads as well as laughing at the picture of me as Wonder Woman jokingly making tacos for dinner. I really believe my girls have been my heroes. They’ve been the driving force with everything I have done to make things better for us. I’ve gained such a better perspective after watching them, learning from them, and feeling their eyes catch every little thing I am doing in my life. They make me laugh, cry, and sometimes hide under the covers in sheer fear of them because they are definitely going to surpass (and grow taller than) me when my eldest reaches the age of ten. I am so very extremely proud of them and would be a total mess without them. I am supposed to help them with their direction in life but they have helped me find mine. These tiny little girls are some of the strongest female leads I have ever known. Even though they are their own ensemble, they’ve all stuck out on their own first before making their own extraordinary league of superheroes.

Home

Over the last decade I have traveled like a gypsy. But each place I would go, I knew how to make it "home". Wherever I was at the moment, I was present even if it was a chaotic mess. The thought was thrown around that once I moved to Charlotte that a natural disaster would happen out of no where. I had a random thought after watching a program on the history of earthquakes on the east coast. Although it was highly improbable, I figured an earthquake would occur. Not too long after moving in, the east coast experienced a rare earthquake with a hurricane following soon after.

In more senses than one, everything was shaken and changed. Although I have been traveling half my life, the following period of traveling would be probably the most interesting and strange turn of events. So many strange, unusual, and sometimes tragic experiences have come to pass. The best lesson learned was to enjoy the slow boring moments. When a person experiences a lot of commotion their sense of normal goes askew. I found myself twiddling my thumbs when nothing out of the ordinary would happen as I had grown so accustomed to something happening. Noticing this early on, I kept my inclination to tip the drama meter in control. There was this greater need to set life in the right direction. It has been incredibly boring but fruitful.

The oddest thing is that perspective and positive thinking propelled so much more in motion that it would have if I paid more attention to the frustrating things in life. It's hard but I will confess something after all the positivity and joking I have done in the past few weeks.

I have been absolutely scared out of my mind about everything. Absolutely everything. I've prepared for all the changes but it never gets you ready for when you have to finalize it all.

Does anyone ever really have it together or is it the few of us that learned how to project grace under fire?

Here's the thing. If I weren't jumping out of my comfort zone, there would be no positive changes. I wouldn't be moving forward. I wouldn't have met all the people I have met or reconnected with those that are dear to me. I had this theory about re-evaluating friendships. Prior to changing, patterns of friendships followed the lines of uneven and pratically toxic relationships. There was an unhealthy comfort zone. My common sense radar was off when I started making changes and I feel really terrible that people on the fringe of my personal hurricane got sucked in and spat back out. Yet they say with bridges burned, you find other paths. People move on as they should.

Ok. Theory is, once you make a life change for the better that you have to change your comfort zone in friends. The test in this theory is meeting new people that have different personality types than you are used to, are going in the same productive direction as you, and have been where you want to go will inevitably exchange an enriching experience with you. The idea is that in your social circle there's a give and take of everyone's best qualities as well as the right kind of friendship to keep each other in line/on the right path. I used to hate this theory because it sounded as if people were using each other. Today, each time I interact with new people, I get this completely different energy when we bounce ideas off each other, just randomly chat about things, and make some pretty cool memories together. I realize now that I only thought it was using people due to my previous uneven friendships. Like all good relationships of any type, there's an exchange instead of one person taking advantage of the other person. Learning to "take" was nearly impossible for me so I always gave. Primarly being the giving friend always leads someone to only find people that take. But when you view things as recieving a gift from a dear friend because they care, that makes all the difference. That warmth extends and is not only returned to the sender but extends to others. Genuine heartfelt acts don't have any sort of payment or reward, they have a radiating contagious effect on everyone surrounding.

I wasn't sure when I would be ready to blog as this whole transitional period feels like a broken record on repeat. As I am gathering my things, my life, and clearing the pathway towards my future, I am realizing just how many of the walls I have broken down in this process. This time in my life where I am travling uncharted territory, it has been completely 100% enriching. There is a point where you look at the mess of it all and realize just how completely beautiful that mess is.

I am absolutely out of my comfort zone. My walls are all broken down. I've already had my days of weepy moments of saying goodbye then realizing that I'll more than likely be around again. I can say without a flinch or hesitation, a piece of my heart will always be in my hometown that I am going back to in the next few days. I can also say there's a part of my soul in Charlotte. It is where I truly discovered my personal abilities in art and expression. There was a wide open space where no one knew me and would take what I gave at face value. There was no good old boy system so everything offered to me was based on merit, commitment, and absolute faith in what I had to offer. That was exactly what I spent all my earlier years searching for. That whole experience was something I needed in order to grow and have more confidence with this personal path I have been taking. Whatever it was I chose to do wasn't just for money even if that is a bit down on the top priorities of living a decent life. Each decision was difficult of what I was giving up due to completely listening to my heart. It has been worth it. It has been absolutely amazing. I know I will continue to travel here and there. But my homebase will be a little different. Where things have been going, they will continue to do so no matter where I am claiming as my residence. During this transition, I am not searching for a home but I am certain that where I am going, it will be.

Home.

Sincerely,
Gen

There is something that evokes a strong memory of past years sculpting late at night. Almost ten years ago, I was at a good personal place on my own. It was during that summer I scraped all the money I could gather to pay for an acoustic guitar I named Elijah Wood. This was after living off of a few snickers bars/nutter butters and a single 16 oz bottle of code red mountain dew or nestea for a week at a time. I was a horrible chain smoker at the time. I haven't smoked since 2005 nor will I. It's the light of the room, the smell of the wet clay mixed in with the dry clumps and dust everywhere. The memories become more clear after hearing a song that was related to a book that stuck in my memory at the time. It was one of the few songs I began to learn when I spent that summer learning how to play the guitar. I remember sitting in the driveway under the stars practicing.

Here's a little weird quirk. I don't listen to my favorite songs often. If I hear it more than twice a week, I will turn it off. My thought is that I don't ever want to wear it out so it would still feel special. I figured that if I ever happened to come across it again then I could stop wherever I was for a few minutes and just enjoy listening. It had been years since I heard Norwegian Wood. It had also been a long time since I had been practically on my own like this.

I clearly remember these hours. For different reasons than now, I never had time to myself to work during the day. Back then I took solace in getting away from everything and hid away in the garage or backyard to escape everyone. Now, the girls give me a few hours to sculpt when I need to and I still spend most of my day with them. I reflect of how nice things are late at night and peek into the bedroom every now and again at my girls. I listen to my dogs snore away next to me in the living room. But what is it about this hour that always feels so familiar?

There's a feeling of looking forward to the future. Things I have never encountered before. There's a whole space of growth I have yet to experience. Back then, there were years that followed that tested my character, my moral standings, my absolute patience. Now I am sitting here again in the early hours of the morning listening to mellow songs reflecting life and mostly love. I am all misty eyed and emotional without even drinking a bit of alcohol. Somewhere I lost my faith in the romance of life and experiences as a whole. I lost my perspective on dreams that I thought I would always hold on to. It's crazy that I was 21 and still daydreaming like I was 12. I am nearly 31 and I am reaching that little seat on top of that star. I am finding a comfortable position to sit, singing little songs to myself. Just generally happy to be, to experience, and to look forward to whatever is ahead.

It's hard to say what the song and the book means to me. It was strange to revisit it as if it were someone I was romantically entangled with. It was something I somehow left behind when things started getting rough and moved me around so quickly that I had to leave it all behind. I suppose when the dust settles and I finally get time to look back and it slips back into my memory. I see it had been something so rare and special that I can't imagine why I would have forgotten in the first place. Of course something life altering happened to draw me away from that time. But it's here again. This odd little time, how many more chances in a lifetime do you get to experience it? Even if it is a couple thousand more moments, they become less and less. It makes you wonder why the older people get, the more reserved and hesitant they are to fully immerse themselves in that moment. This moment is that moment where you've come to terms with your past, you are happy with your present, and anything at all possible could happen at this point in the future. These are the little passages in stories that most writers forget to really grasp on but amazing writers do. These little boring insignificant parts of stories that other people would skip over to get to the action. These moments can really define these turning points in our lives. They are worth taking a good look at and really enjoying. Between the starts and stops, these points in life make up the million and one special "trivial" moments of your life that combined make your life unique.

So I just discovered there's a movie out based on the book. It looks beautiful actually. Maybe I will break my rule and listen to that song a few more times than I normally would. Why not?

Sincerely,
Gen

A few years back I was attempting to get back into sculpture so I asked some friends for a few projects to do for fun. I ended up moving several times in the next few years and during the moves I made a few tries at finishing the sculpture. During one version of it, I had this weird revelation about my friend's birthday and the year corresponding to a return to saturn. The concept was pretty cool but it wasn't until over a year later that I would finally be at my own saturn's return that I would fully see the complete sculpture. I have salvaged pieces of the sculpure so that it will still keep the personal dedication from her birthday and I've incorporated it to where you can only see it when you look inside of the planets that on the top half are hands aiding the following hand up and out of the planet. The bottom half will be abstractly carved to resemble hands.

Here is a little bit on the concept of the Saturn Return.

I am very excited to share this process although I plan on doing a more organized documentation of the next sculpture with lessons and visual tutorials. I hope you like it and thanks for looking!

Sincerely,
Gen

Where I am at now, it's going to be a while before I get anywhere. But I think I am just going to enjoy the journey and where it takes me. I am open to this new path and this new life with experiences I have never encountered before.

"Well we know where we're goin'
But we don't know where we've been
Fnd we know what we're knowin'
But we can't say what we've seen
And we're not little children
And we know what we want
And the future is certain
Give us time to work it out"
Road To Nowhere - Talking Heads

Sometimes you get a surprise when you are being the hardest on yourself. Times get tough, you keep moving on with no mentors or guidence in a pretty rare and unusual situation. We all have a point where we face whatever immensely challenging obstacle in the way of crossing the bridge. So you keep going on only what your mind, heart, and gut tell you. Sometimes your gut can be full of **it but least the heart and mind pull it back on track. Then out of no where, when you are tired and weary, you get a surprise.

For the backstory for those new, it is hard to retell it so I am leaving it in this older entry. We moved on and recovered, but it took some time out of where my life had been going. It slowed things down and severed a lot of ties. I am not sure if I can explain all of it or where it would make sense. No harm in trying though, right? It's weird I left things off where I did since I last really opened up about these things. Wasn't sure when I would pick up on it and start chatting candidly again. Or if I'd ever want to. But here I am. I am rambling again, aren't I?

I had been working so hard, slowing down on my artwork and shutting down on the internet unless it was work related. I really P.O. a good bit of people doing so without real explaination or even so much as an apology. And that sucks. I wasn't really thinking. My kids needed me. I didn't want to be the psychologist that was great at helping others with their problems but couldn't understand my children. Insert personal focus vs. childrens needs. They were there with me through the ups and downs and I instinctively just zoned in on them. I took maybe a little time out for myself here and there but everything else was a lot of work. It was so much work cleaning up the messes that all these crazy adults made...I just kept working at it like I would work at my sculptures. I would take full responsibility of all of this for them even if no one else would. Even if it was hard, I kept going. And it was hard. I had to be firm with what I said and consistent with what I did. I had to make sure that things were in order, no confusing or conflicting events/issues. Things had to really get focused and centered for my children after what they had to witness. Right when I got really tired and so completely exhausted, my daughters put stickers all over my arms. I see the light in my eldest's eyes as she leans in and says, "You are the greatest mom ever."

I really wanted to crawl into a little ball, break down, and cry at that moment. I think I am being too hard on myself. All I wanted was for them to grow up well adjusted, loving. All I saw was that her heart had been broken for the first time in her life. We talked about it, we spent all that time that I had not been blogging or doing more scupltures or drawings just working it all out. Instead of being angry about what happened, I told her that long before she even has a romantic relationship, she had her first real heartbreak. Loving people completely even with all their flaws. And realizing that things can't be anymore. That it's over with people she really cared for. Even though that she finally could describe what was bothering her and she felt like all that emotional weight was lifted, I felt the weight fall down on me for that second. We talked a little more and it's hard getting a five year old to understand things she is too young to understand but she insists on prying a little more into the heart and human condition. Her curiosity wasn't satisfied until we fully explored all those feelings. Why do people hurt each other when there were times that were fun, sweet, and seemingly special? The why wasn't as important as the responsibility we have to each other to keep our relationships healthy, to keep those bonds strong, and to mend any broken ties (or hearts). She is worth the time and effort for that, I am also worth that time and effort. We will reciprocate. And I think that's what that whole month of October was for. We spent that whole time completely focusing on who we need to be. And how we need to be treated and treat others. That was not the time for looking back because that time was over. Who was going to catch up, meet for the first time, or continue on this road with us would do so. And we would be there to meet them with the right mindset and open arms. I don't need to explain this, this was a needed thing for all of us. Mistakes made, lessons learned, this was the right decision for me and my girls.

At this point, I can say I am nearly recovered from the absolute physical and emotional exhaustion of September. Lot of good came from it though. It's amazing that I can say with as much bad that happened in a few hours of September, a whole ton of good experiences and memories came from it too. There were days, weeks of really great things that happened. Would be nice to continue or experience more at this point as I think we are finally ready. We are ready to take it all on. And I have the reward stickers to keep me motivated too!

Sincerely,
Gen

Testing the waters to see if this theory is true.

Situations being what they are, you just got to go with the flow.

Some relationships deteriorate choosing career over love,
then what happens if you are starting a career without love?

They aren't mutually exclusive. But it helps with focusing.
Perspective and all. You have to keep moving on.

Game on. We shall see how far I can go?

(To be clear about all these questions asked about relationships.
I am focusing on work. The song is about a career.)

"You better watch out Cupid
Stuck me with a sickness
Pull your little arrows out
Let me live my life
The one I'd better lead
All the blondes are fantasies"

The funny thing about facebook and why I find myself more inclined towards personal contact is that the majority of people on that website people watch instead of interact. It is a virtual friday night at the mall but at your earliest convienence when you feel like checking in or tuning out.

The little awkward bits of it is that you run into the exes. The estranged friends, family, and relationships find their way back in through the cracks. The bait of curiosity lures those slumbering beasts out of their caves. Then you find yourself in slow motion slapping yourself on the forehead for doing yet another "brilliant" move of talking to people you really shouldn't.

I feel their longing, wanting, and memories of the past. I feel nothing. It goes to say how lopsided those relationships were. I don't have any real memories of people being sweet, thoughtful, going out of their way for me as most of it was to apologize, keep me in a good mood, or whatever it was that was for the most part self serving. I do not long, want, or have memories I want to revisit. When I remember anything at all, I am crawling up the wall wanting to escape.

The other feelings follow. I am sure a lot of people can relate. You are done, you've moved on. But you can't help but remember "those" things. The rejection. The failure. And all those nasty little downers that leave you sitting in the kitchen eating a little too much comfort food just like when you were first getting over all of the nastiness when it first happened. Some people lose a lot of weight going through times like these and others gain. I eat a ton of bread and candy and never care because...I have a lot of stupid reasons why that I feel are perfectly rational. There is the serotonin in chocolate. And even though bread makes you fat, it was only just a few sandwiches. People have to eat...and sometimes in large Scooby Doo stacks of sandwiches. But it was only just a few times! Then reality hits your waistline and there's no more squeezing out of those excuses, literally.

It has a slow rekindling of the previous burns. And sometimes when you snuff it out fast, you end up fanning it. You know what I mean. You get so frustrated that you actually start to remember why things were over and done with, then you get mad all over again, and even more frustrated, and you really want to give the person a piece of your mind when you already did it years ago. But you didn't leave well alone so your big fat mouth opens up again and there it is. Out in the open. Some people love watching accidents. And some people get involved in those wrecks...that other people just love watching...reading blogs...that people write...because we have no privacy or shame anymore. And next paragraph!

I need a remedial personal relations crash course. I'd like to think myself a good driver. But I realize I need some fine tuning with my driving skills, it has recently been awful! I actually feel like I took my relationship driver's license away until I figure out how to drive like a sane person again and not royally screw everything up.

Here begins my crash course. The realization that my radar for being around rational loving people needs fine tuning. This is going to be rough. Avoiding driving cliches and whatnot, this is...this is going to really suck. I don't know how else to put it when it is really going to be unpleasently difficult yet needed for me to grow.

I read this quote yesterday and it really hits me in the center of my heart. I have swallowed whole everything that surrounded me. Now is the unsightly process of filtering it all out and limiting it to what I really need.

"I think the artist has to be something like a whale, swimming with his mouth wide open, absorbing everything until he has what he really needs. When he finds that, he can start to make limitations. And then he really begins to grow." - Romare Bearden

And just for the sake of keeping in with the whole theme of you know...well, I don't know. It just made sense to me about seeing someone in target and they point blank sling an insult as if it were truth, "you really aren't that great." That is talking to certain people from my past on facebook all.the.time. But the good thing is that it feels like it is less in real life and more on the internet. It's the pool cleaner of life! They find out enough online and don't even want to bother (:cough:insulting:cough:) talking to you in person! (Crosses fingers and hopes that is a working logic!)

Sincerly (although slightly confused),
-Gen

When you awake in the morning, you have the fortune of seeing a sun rise. The colors change. You open your eyes to see the world. Often times this repetitive action leaves us complacent. We become used to what we see each day. What if you were given an opportunity to awaken your other senses instead of viewing it as your sight being cut off?

Upon entering the exhibit for Art Beyond Sight, visitors are offered a chance to have a guide walk them through the exhibit blindfolded. Having never done this before, this was something completely new. I hadn't seen the works yet or were too familiar with the set up of the gallery. Experiencing something new at the same time as being guided without being able to see what I was doing was a very unique experience.

The lady guiding was gentle leading us and funny. My daughter was having a little problems reaching some of the sculptures but was having such a good time experiencing something completely new. This was her first time at an art gallery. Then it came to the point where I was trying to reach the upper relief. She was making a comment about needing a stool, then giggled a little bit. I laughed and said, "I think I am going to need one!" We both said at the same time "I/you am/are so short/small!" Then the giggling continued for a little bit longer. She was really cool and we talked for a little bit after. I pulled the blindfold off and was amazed at what I was "seeing" with my hands once I saw what the reliefs looked like. She then walked us through the sculptures made by artists with impaired sight as well as how they would go through the process of creating works. It started a very wonderful night and a great experience.

One thing about being blindfolded is if you are open, you can actually feel your other senses compensating for the loss of one. My hearing reached out a little more to hear noises and even when I would get close to a wall the sound of my voice slightly bounced off the surface. I can notice small things like how in an open area, the noise travels and reaches. In a corner I could hear the noise get trapped in the corners and bounce back at me. The front area had a garage door type of opening so I could feel the cool evening air. A little bit of the wind. Even flow of people passing by.

There was a handful of series of artworks that were created by the visually impaired. It covered about two walls and a table in the center of the exhibit. Even though I had long passed up the blindfold, I would run my fingers over each bit of work and imagine the creation process. What was it like? How did they experience life through their senses? What did these things look like in their mind when we spend all our lives not thinking too much about what we see each day?

In many different ways, I was showing my daughter a new world she had never experienced before. Running my fingers over the braille, telling my daughter about how the blind read. "Wooooooooow," she breathed in quiet amazement. There were times we were practically in the same amount of quiet excitement. I took her around to see the rest of the gallery. The large fans were probably a bit hit. Sticking her face in the side and making robot noises then hopping around pretending she was flying. Although I am usually joining or starting this kind of behavior, it was nice to see her being the five year old she is. It was nice to be able to let myself get completely immersed in the different artworks. This was something my daughter had never seen with her own mother.

When we reached my work, it was so cute seeing everyone get excited seeing the one little bit that was familar. Even my nearly two year old daughter started chattering about how she knew what it was, "Mommy! Mommy! That's yours!" I could hear their chattering overlap while I got lost in the surrounding works of art make up of wood, old camera parts, and even an old metal shoe sizer. After being absent from the art world completely for practically ten years when I was a student, this was a new world to me too. I am going to share an inside joke from old friends from sculpture class. We never wanted to actually sell our works for whatever reason. So we would throw in outrageous numbers so we could keep them. I could not help but remember those times we would be looking at the programs during opening night and seeing people gasp at the prices, laughing to ourselves. It felt weird being at an exhibit and their smiling faces weren't with me as it had been when we were students learning together. The pictures taken in front of my sculpture, you can see me blushing completely. While this is something that my daughters hopefully remember for the rest of their lives, it will be something that I will always keep in a nice warm spot in my heart as well.

Sincerly,
Gen